Due to COVID-19, I was furloughed and then laid off from a job I loved.
I was finally happy with that part of my life, my life and my career were just starting to stabilize. I guess if God can giveth, and He can taketh away!
I got a call from my manager this week and my position was terminated. I wasn't the only one, but it didn't make me feel any better.
I am angry at the people who got to keep their jobs and I feel a little bit betrayed. I have worked hard to build relationships with my clients and now I no longer have access to my hard work or the fruits of my labor.
None of the 26 million people who lost their jobs deserved to have their lives uprooted like this. Nobody "deserves" to abruptly have their livelihood stripped away from them.
Before I get side-tracked, I am incredibly blessed. I have a loving husband, world's cutest puppy, my husband is still working and getting paid, I am still getting paid, we can pay our mortgage, we have the beautiful house that we bought last year when we both had steady employment and got a grant program that we don't have to pay back. I have friends and mentors, I have food to eat. We didn't lose out on our home because of COVID 19. I am incredibly thankful for everything I have and I have it because God has blessed me with it.
But I had to go through what the Bible refers to as "the wilderness" to get these blessings. I'm prepared this time, going through it again.
Imagine going to fight a group of your enemies without weapons.
That's basically what my time in the wilderness was like, and each time I was brought to the wilderness, I became more skilled at using my weapon.
The thing is if you go into the wilderness unprepared without weapons, you may not make it out alive at all.
I had a series of jobs with poor management and lousy pay, and I became unemployed more times than I'd like to admit. I was stressed, anxious, and fearful. I was miserable.
Looking back, I was in the wilderness for so long because I was ungrateful, angry, anxious and selfish. During that time God provided for me, but it was hard. I was in the wilderness far too long and desperately wanted to get out.
I was there that long because God was trying to show me that I had to do it His way, not mine. My husband and I lived together and we were not married. We acted husband-ly and wife-ly, but I tried to justify my sin and that it was okay. Nehemiah 9:21 comes to mind.
You provided for them in the wilderness forty years, and they lacked nothing. Their clothes did not wear out, and their feet did not swell.
Life wasn't always easy, but God always sustained me during that time in the wilderness. Just barely, but we always managed, even if we were just scraping by. We were $50 away from financial ruin most times.
In the past, I ungratefully asked, "Why Me? Why do I have to suffer? You could fix this in one minute if You wanted to."
I never once acknowledged my blessings--my wonderful family, that I had food to eat, that I had a partner who loved me unconditionally, I had a safe place to live, that I was healthy and that I woke up that day.
All I cared about was what everyone, my parents, my sister, my classmates, would think of me. If I wasn't a content coordinator, what was I? If I wasn't a journalist, what was I? If I wasn't a salesperson, what was I?
I did not enjoy being unemployed. I put all of my identity and self-worth into a job instead of where it belonged--in Christ.
I was an unappreciative little jerk, but God found a way to reach me and hold me close. I most certainly was not acknowledging Him in my everyday life, but I cried a lot.
Psalm 56:8
Tears are prayers too. They travel to God when we can't speak.
Those tears told Him that I needed Him. He heard me, He saw me, and He was listening.
He allowed me to come to Him, like a loving parent does, even after I disappointed Him. He welcomed me with open arms and held me close.
I started seeing a Christian counselor and I picked up my Bible for the first time ever, because she said if you don't know what's in the Bible, you don't know that those feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy, failure, and anxiety are lies.
I was unprepared for the wilderness because I didn't have the weapons to fight back and if you don't fight back, of course, you will get hurt.
In Deuteronomy 1-2, The Israelites are asked why they think it took 40 years to make an 11-year journey? Because they were not willing to do it His way. Neither was I, and I suffered the consequences for it.
I didn't realize this was why it was so hard until a few weeks ago.
We got married in 2017, in October. God rescued me and my husband from our dead-end jobs in a dead-end town. He led us out of the wilderness soon after.
So a few months later, In February, my husband got a job in Washington, D.C. It felt God was finally listening. We were married now--we finally agreed to do it God's way.
Even when we got to Washington, I had a lot to think about, since again, I was without a job--so remember, I was without an identity. Again, unemployed hoping for the right one to come along, rushing to have a job because I needed to be someone and work somewhere.
I got a job I thought would be exactly what God had planned for me, a dream job of sorts. I was offered it and began working there.
I did pray if I was going to be unsuccessful and unhappy, I asked Him not to bring me there. He did anyway. I prayed that it was a good fit--and it was just the opposite. So--God gave me exactly what I asked for, and I still wasn't happy.
It was an awful culture fit with an hour and 15-minute commute one way on the train.
Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, right?
The lies came attacking me, and I was again unprepared. It seemed that this job was taking me away from God and I was exhausted. I also was an anxious mess because my best work wasn't good enough.
I was again being attacked with the same weapons (lies) as before, but I was too tired to fight back. I got up at 6am, got to the train station at 7 and wouldn't get home until 7. I would climb into bed as soon as I got home. I was hungry and exhausted. What 20 something goes to bed at 7pm?
If God had blessed me with this, why couldn't I succeed?
I just had this pit in my stomach that I would be let go. I was right.
I had a weekday off because I worked an event at night at the most miserable job of my life.
We made an appointment to see a doctor to help me better manage my anxiety. I felt like I was living in cage in my own body and couldn't escape. I wanted to, I really did, but I was stuck in it. A lot of tears were shed after I was no longer working there. I was suicidal. I thought about walking in front of a train. My negative thoughts looped over and over again.
I downloaded an audiobook and for some reason, I finally understood God's love for me and that it was as much as my family who loved me.
When I went to work on my last day of the job--I can remember saying and thinking, "I finally feel whole." I finally felt like I mattered. I belonged to someone's family and that was more important than my job.
Me and the employer mutually split the next day and that was fine with me.
I emotionally struggled to fight those lies. But there were so many of those attacks coming at me and I tried to pick up my weapons, but I was too tired to fight and pick up my weapon. I suffered for it.
Once my supposed "dream job" ended, I was once again, unemployed spent time with God every day, and picked up my Bible and highlighted passages in it.
Of course, I did the job search activities for a lot of the day but I also dedicated a lot of time to God. I still cried a lot and prayed to God, asking for guidance, direction, and answers.
So, in total, with a brief break of employment in between, I was unemployed for 6 or 7 months.
Once again, I was and still am, very blessed because my husband supported me through all of it and never once cared if I was unemployed or not and we were able to live affordably when I wasn't working. He did not see my identity as " a job," he saw my identity as his wife, someone who he loves regardless of her imperfections. We weren't homeless, we had enough food, we had each other, and we had enough money to occasionally spend time together on the weekends.
There were days I felt like I had no direction and only God would save me. But months had passed and I prayed God would rescue me from the monotony of looking for a job and applying for hours at a time. In that time, I had time to connect with God and read the Bible. I finally was able to embrace that He was my provider. That time in the wilderness was rough, but I was finally skilled in using the weapons because I had been through it many times before.
I finally escaped the cage. And by accepting God, my anxiety reduced and I felt free, and whole, and valuable. I loved myself because I knew and accepted that I wasn't perfect, but that was okay. That was enough.
I found a job I had experience in, and it is very niche and specific and I was a candidate for it. It ended up being my favorite job ever. I do hope I can go back-this is the gig I just got laid off from.
I had finally made it out of the wilderness!
I know He will come through for me because He has before. I pray that He shows me the right decision regarding my next career move whether it is going back, or it is doing something else. I now have my weapons and am skilled at using them. I am prepared for the wilderness this time.
But my identity is in Christ, and that's why I'm spending time writing this blog. I will enjoy the time I have now to spend with Him and enjoy being with my husband. I will paint my walls and make a difference in my house that God has blessed me with.
I heard once, how you wait in the wilderness determines how long you're going to stay there.
So, I am going to be joyful and thankful. I promise you if you are wondering when you will get out of the wilderness, ask yourself if you are doing things God's way. If you are, your reward is coming.
He will not put you through this without allowing something good to come from it.
Do not be afraid, you wild animals, for the pastures in the wilderness are becoming green. The trees are bearing their fruit; the fig tree and the vine yield their riches.
Romans 8:28
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
Thanks for reading!
Amen
I was finally happy with that part of my life, my life and my career were just starting to stabilize. I guess if God can giveth, and He can taketh away!
I got a call from my manager this week and my position was terminated. I wasn't the only one, but it didn't make me feel any better.
None of the 26 million people who lost their jobs deserved to have their lives uprooted like this. Nobody "deserves" to abruptly have their livelihood stripped away from them.
Before I get side-tracked, I am incredibly blessed. I have a loving husband, world's cutest puppy, my husband is still working and getting paid, I am still getting paid, we can pay our mortgage, we have the beautiful house that we bought last year when we both had steady employment and got a grant program that we don't have to pay back. I have friends and mentors, I have food to eat. We didn't lose out on our home because of COVID 19. I am incredibly thankful for everything I have and I have it because God has blessed me with it.
But I had to go through what the Bible refers to as "the wilderness" to get these blessings. I'm prepared this time, going through it again.
Imagine going to fight a group of your enemies without weapons.
That's basically what my time in the wilderness was like, and each time I was brought to the wilderness, I became more skilled at using my weapon.
The thing is if you go into the wilderness unprepared without weapons, you may not make it out alive at all.
I had a series of jobs with poor management and lousy pay, and I became unemployed more times than I'd like to admit. I was stressed, anxious, and fearful. I was miserable.
Looking back, I was in the wilderness for so long because I was ungrateful, angry, anxious and selfish. During that time God provided for me, but it was hard. I was in the wilderness far too long and desperately wanted to get out.
I was there that long because God was trying to show me that I had to do it His way, not mine. My husband and I lived together and we were not married. We acted husband-ly and wife-ly, but I tried to justify my sin and that it was okay. Nehemiah 9:21 comes to mind.
You provided for them in the wilderness forty years, and they lacked nothing. Their clothes did not wear out, and their feet did not swell.
Life wasn't always easy, but God always sustained me during that time in the wilderness. Just barely, but we always managed, even if we were just scraping by. We were $50 away from financial ruin most times.
In the past, I ungratefully asked, "Why Me? Why do I have to suffer? You could fix this in one minute if You wanted to."
I never once acknowledged my blessings--my wonderful family, that I had food to eat, that I had a partner who loved me unconditionally, I had a safe place to live, that I was healthy and that I woke up that day.
All I cared about was what everyone, my parents, my sister, my classmates, would think of me. If I wasn't a content coordinator, what was I? If I wasn't a journalist, what was I? If I wasn't a salesperson, what was I?
I did not enjoy being unemployed. I put all of my identity and self-worth into a job instead of where it belonged--in Christ.
I was an unappreciative little jerk, but God found a way to reach me and hold me close. I most certainly was not acknowledging Him in my everyday life, but I cried a lot.
Psalm 56:8
Tears are prayers too. They travel to God when we can't speak.
Those tears told Him that I needed Him. He heard me, He saw me, and He was listening.
He allowed me to come to Him, like a loving parent does, even after I disappointed Him. He welcomed me with open arms and held me close.
I started seeing a Christian counselor and I picked up my Bible for the first time ever, because she said if you don't know what's in the Bible, you don't know that those feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy, failure, and anxiety are lies.
I was unprepared for the wilderness because I didn't have the weapons to fight back and if you don't fight back, of course, you will get hurt.
In Deuteronomy 1-2, The Israelites are asked why they think it took 40 years to make an 11-year journey? Because they were not willing to do it His way. Neither was I, and I suffered the consequences for it.
I didn't realize this was why it was so hard until a few weeks ago.
We got married in 2017, in October. God rescued me and my husband from our dead-end jobs in a dead-end town. He led us out of the wilderness soon after.
So a few months later, In February, my husband got a job in Washington, D.C. It felt God was finally listening. We were married now--we finally agreed to do it God's way.
Even when we got to Washington, I had a lot to think about, since again, I was without a job--so remember, I was without an identity. Again, unemployed hoping for the right one to come along, rushing to have a job because I needed to be someone and work somewhere.
I got a job I thought would be exactly what God had planned for me, a dream job of sorts. I was offered it and began working there.
I did pray if I was going to be unsuccessful and unhappy, I asked Him not to bring me there. He did anyway. I prayed that it was a good fit--and it was just the opposite. So--God gave me exactly what I asked for, and I still wasn't happy.
It was an awful culture fit with an hour and 15-minute commute one way on the train.
Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, right?
The lies came attacking me, and I was again unprepared. It seemed that this job was taking me away from God and I was exhausted. I also was an anxious mess because my best work wasn't good enough.
I was again being attacked with the same weapons (lies) as before, but I was too tired to fight back. I got up at 6am, got to the train station at 7 and wouldn't get home until 7. I would climb into bed as soon as I got home. I was hungry and exhausted. What 20 something goes to bed at 7pm?
If God had blessed me with this, why couldn't I succeed?
I just had this pit in my stomach that I would be let go. I was right.
I had a weekday off because I worked an event at night at the most miserable job of my life.
We made an appointment to see a doctor to help me better manage my anxiety. I felt like I was living in cage in my own body and couldn't escape. I wanted to, I really did, but I was stuck in it. A lot of tears were shed after I was no longer working there. I was suicidal. I thought about walking in front of a train. My negative thoughts looped over and over again.
I downloaded an audiobook and for some reason, I finally understood God's love for me and that it was as much as my family who loved me.
When I went to work on my last day of the job--I can remember saying and thinking, "I finally feel whole." I finally felt like I mattered. I belonged to someone's family and that was more important than my job.
Me and the employer mutually split the next day and that was fine with me.
I emotionally struggled to fight those lies. But there were so many of those attacks coming at me and I tried to pick up my weapons, but I was too tired to fight and pick up my weapon. I suffered for it.
Once my supposed "dream job" ended, I was once again, unemployed spent time with God every day, and picked up my Bible and highlighted passages in it.
Of course, I did the job search activities for a lot of the day but I also dedicated a lot of time to God. I still cried a lot and prayed to God, asking for guidance, direction, and answers.
So, in total, with a brief break of employment in between, I was unemployed for 6 or 7 months.
Once again, I was and still am, very blessed because my husband supported me through all of it and never once cared if I was unemployed or not and we were able to live affordably when I wasn't working. He did not see my identity as " a job," he saw my identity as his wife, someone who he loves regardless of her imperfections. We weren't homeless, we had enough food, we had each other, and we had enough money to occasionally spend time together on the weekends.
There were days I felt like I had no direction and only God would save me. But months had passed and I prayed God would rescue me from the monotony of looking for a job and applying for hours at a time. In that time, I had time to connect with God and read the Bible. I finally was able to embrace that He was my provider. That time in the wilderness was rough, but I was finally skilled in using the weapons because I had been through it many times before.
I finally escaped the cage. And by accepting God, my anxiety reduced and I felt free, and whole, and valuable. I loved myself because I knew and accepted that I wasn't perfect, but that was okay. That was enough.
I found a job I had experience in, and it is very niche and specific and I was a candidate for it. It ended up being my favorite job ever. I do hope I can go back-this is the gig I just got laid off from.
I had finally made it out of the wilderness!
I know He will come through for me because He has before. I pray that He shows me the right decision regarding my next career move whether it is going back, or it is doing something else. I now have my weapons and am skilled at using them. I am prepared for the wilderness this time.
But my identity is in Christ, and that's why I'm spending time writing this blog. I will enjoy the time I have now to spend with Him and enjoy being with my husband. I will paint my walls and make a difference in my house that God has blessed me with.
I heard once, how you wait in the wilderness determines how long you're going to stay there.
So, I am going to be joyful and thankful. I promise you if you are wondering when you will get out of the wilderness, ask yourself if you are doing things God's way. If you are, your reward is coming.
He will not put you through this without allowing something good to come from it.
Do not be afraid, you wild animals, for the pastures in the wilderness are becoming green. The trees are bearing their fruit; the fig tree and the vine yield their riches.
Romans 8:28
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
Thanks for reading!
Amen
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