How to Become a Supervillain

I am so hard on myself. 

If you haven't figured it out yet--I really hate myself. I don't think I deserve to be hated by other people, but for some reason--it's normal to me. The countless failures I've had, the discouraging remarks, the seemingly great career paths and things I've tried that have not worked out for me. 

My self-esteem is shot. Job after job, I have been told that I am not good enough. When you get the same messages over and over again, it's really hard not to start believing them. 

I didn't grow up with low self-esteem. Quite the opposite. My parents loved me and I never doubted for a second that they did. They believed I was somebody. I'm sure they still do. 

So, why do I struggle so much with believing in myself? 

I can feel myself happy for others, but secretly desire the same thing for myself. Let me clarify, I want to see other people do well, especially those I care about. I also want the security, safety, direction and paycheck they have. 

I have no doubt that those people deserve every positive thing that happens to them. They, like me have been through things. But watching people take for granted something you want so desperately feels like they are spitting on you. I guess I had this idea that if I was doing something right, I would get some sort of sign from God or the universe that I was doing something right. 

I'm trying so hard not to become bitter--it is a dangerous emotion.  

Bitterness has the ability to turn people into real-life supervillains. I can feel it.  People have the best of intentions, but the overwhelming feeling of "it's not fair," festers inside them distorting their motives, intentions, goals, and relationships. 

Taylor Swift's Antihero just made me feel like she wrote it just for me. 

"I should not be left to my own devices, they come with prices and vices--I end up in crisis." Leave me alone with my thoughts and I start doing self-destructive behaviors and being mean to myself. 

The iconic, "I'll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror, it must be exhausting rooting for the antihero." I realized that I am the anti-hero in my own story. It gave me chills when I first heard that line. The antihero may have some relatable qualities--but she is still the bad guy. 

My husband used the word "antihero" while we were watching one of the Marvel series.  It was the first time I ever heard the word. 

The way he explained the concept of an antihero is, "a villain you can empathize with."  Someone who turned evil because of negative past experiences. People in real life become villains when they let bitterness fester. 

People can be heroes because of their pasts, or they can become villains--they can decide to work with the unique challenges they are gifted to make them better, or they can hold onto those disappointments. Just watch a Marvel series on Disney+ 

You can see how the heroes in these series are close to becoming villains themselves with their own self-destructive vices. 

And they are the good guys. 

Each of them have been through shit like their arch-nemeses. Trauma, abuse, betrayal, abandonment, self-guilt, ridicule, whatever-- but they decide to put their own emotional baggage down to help others. They sin, a lot. But each of these characters uses their emotional past--to make them stronger. To fight for those less able to fight for themselves. 

It makes them stronger heroes. 

Let me just give you a point of reference if you haven't seen any of them. Daredevil features Matt Murdock, an attorney who just graduated from law school. He is blind due to a childhood accident. Throughout his life, he spent his life developing his other senses to become a strong fighter. It makes him a great superhero intuitive to the world around him, noticing things other people don't. But he doesn't allow anyone to help him. 

His arch nemesis, Wilson Fisk is evil because he was abused as a child, and constantly ridiculed and attacked--misunderstood. He takes that with him feeling like he has to right the wrongs of everyone else. He has taken the bitterness from childhood and used it to attack, injure, run drugs and become one of the most terrifying villains of all time. Instead of using his past to make him better, he uses it to get back at people and hurt them. I can see why. The dictionary definition of bitterness is anger and disappointment at being treated unfairly and resentment. Sounds pretty dead-on to me. 

I know they are based on comic-book characters and it's not real. But the emotions very much are. 

I am the villain in my own story-- It's me, hi. I'm the problem--it's me. (Thanks Taylor.) 

If I step away, I can see how there were many times in my life, that I felt like life was not fair. And you know what? It wasn't. Unfortunately, we were never promised fair. 

I have a choice. Do I focus on the things I've done wrong and hold onto that hurt? Do I become the hero or the villain? Yea, the bad guy is fun to play on-screen, but are they better to be in real life? There is often no real-life redemption for the villain. 

I feel my feelings too much. I'm a highly sensitive person. My self-awareness and belief in God come to reason with me, that my feelings are not the truth. They are not reality. They are lies planted in my brain due to experiences that have warped my brain into thinking they are true--and they must be caused by me. They are distortions and experiences that if used the wrong way could turn me into a supervillain. That's a scary thought. 

 I am going to choose a heroic mindset and not a bitter one. A well-known story from the Bible comes from Cain and Abel, sons of Adam and Eve. Cain murders his brother Abel because he is seemingly being favored by God--and he isn't. Even if you aren't religious, there are a lot of really wise things in the Bible that aren't that different than what we experience today. Being a human--he felt the way I feel. Whether you believe it's true or not is not really the point. The point is--it illustrates how bitterness can make people do unthinkable things. 

Being a murderer sounds like being a villain to me. Being remembered as one of the first villains in history isn't really something I aspire to. 

Bitterness is the key to becoming a supervillain. 

Have I had disappointments? Yes. Have I made mistakes yes. But I will not choose to let bitterness change me into the wrong kind of super. 

I can use those disappointments to make me better or bitter. I choose better. I choose to believe that those experiences are preparing me for my next step. I will pray that I am led to walk there with clarity, and one day I will wake up and finally understand and get to the happy ending of my own story. 

Real villains are out there, and holding onto bitterness is surely how you become one.