Identity Fraud

I am not a victim of credit card fraud or having my social security number hacked. 

I am a victim of having my identity stripped away from me in so many situations after I have lost a lot of jobs. Some due to mismatch of expectations others through no fault of my own. 

But each and every time, I have had an identity crisis. My brain starts to go into overdrive. I find losing a job to be rather traumatic. My sense of stability, identity and confidence is absolutely shattered and destroyed.  No more money. Not knowing what comes next and fear overcome my brain--not to mention I am usually quite angry and feel like a villain, like someone wronged me.

I have been through less breakups with people and more with jobs. I have been a lot of different things for a lot of different industries. I feel like a lot of times, I am out of place and really unsure about where I should go next. That part makes the doubt and perfectionism demons come out and start telling me that I am a fraud. I am not actually good at what I am doing and I am not good at anything at all. I will have to start over every single time. And you would think that I would be okay with it. I wish I could say it gets easier--but when you're going through it-- it doesn't feel like it does. 

It is easier this time--but it still sucks. Until it happens to you--you don't get it. When you live in uncertainty it stresses you out. You don't know what your next gig will be, how long it will take to get there, if it is worth it to go back to school, and the overwhelming feeling of "will I ever get my big break?" and "will I ever be at a place where I am comfortable, happy, secure and safe?" 

I think as Americans, we get really wrapped up in what we do for a living.  We go to school, we go to work and we try really hard to throw ourselves into these experiences. Making good grades, participating in extracurricular activities, and getting recognition and accolades for our hard work getting evaluated on our efforts. This is well-intentioned but toxic to Christians and people who have a problem with perfectionism. I would go as far to say, it actually CREATES perfectionists. 

It leads us to believe that we are only worth something if we are doing well at something. This leads to validation addiction and imposter syndrome. If you are only loved when you are performing well but when you're not--you feel like a piece of trash. 

It's all-or-nothing thinking--either I am amazing or I am an absolute failure. There is no in-between. 

I am here to admit to you that living that way is both difficult and miserable. Guilty as charged. I have been over those thoughts over and over again. 

The pandemic, the tech layoffs, and the restructuring of corporations--forced a lot of people into situations they didn't want to be in. I bring all of this up because when something like losing a job happens, my identity gets rattled.

I lose sight of who I am--and that is a problem for God. We start asking questions like "Why does this always happen to me?" instead of, "How can I use this to glorify God and help others?" 

I haven't ever thought about this answer before until I am writing this blog. 

I wish I didn't, but this kind of adversity seems to be the one I am reliving over and over again like a recurring nightmare. Each time, traumatic. I feel like the loserest loser in the world. Like a freaking dog has more esteem than I do. 

Perhaps I just have some really bad luck with jobs. I think that's true, but I can't help but think that God is trying to get me to use these experiences to help other people. I have been toying with the idea of writing a devotional, and I may have just found my topic. Each time I go through something with a job I am working, I need to build my identity as a daughter of Christ and follower of Jesus who blesses others instead of my job. God is probably sick of trying to teach me this lesson. But I actually understand the lesson now. 

I used to live upstairs from two very staunch atheists who used to really like to argue with me about if there is God, why does he allow bad things to happen to good people? And since I am not God, I don't have an answer. 

I don't think God wants us to suffer--but He puts us in situations we don't feel ready for.  He does that as a test and is basically asking the question Aladdin asks Jasmine when she is about to join him on the Magic Carpet. 

"Do you trust me?" 

As I was reading a Bible plan-- I read about Gideon for the first time. I am not a Bible scholar. For those who don't know, Gideon was chosen by God to deliver the Isrealites from their captors who took over their lands. An angel appears to a man named Gideon and addresses him as a courageous leader. 

And Gideon basically goes, "Who me?" I was like, "damn it God, you really know how to get my attention don't you?"

While I am writing this scripture, he is saying to me "Yes. YOU. Yes, Cassidy--I am talking to YOU." 

I chose YOU. You were born for this challenge. Your heartache is not in vain."  I will use your experience FOR GOOD. Not just for YOUR good, but to bless others." He reminds me that if I seek Him, it will all work out.  Proverbs 3:5-6 tells me that I don't need to know. 

Lean not on your own understanding,  in all of your ways submit to Him and He will make all of your paths straight. 

Yea, following that scripture there are countless others about about not being afraid because God is with me. My favorite one is Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you;

    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

What is my purpose? I don't know.  When I am filled spiritually filled with the Holy Spirit, I can do what I need to do through faith that I am a redeemed daughter of Christ. And I should not be afraid. God will be with me through the challenges I face. 

 I need faith, and to focus on Jesus. I cannot be successful without it. I am saying it out loud. I still have value and deserve love because I am a child of God--not for any other reason.