Building My House or My Time Machine?

I started this blog with a time machine. I wanted to go back in time to tell my younger self not to major in journalism in college and to maybe focus on something that didn't even have a name yet. I was in college in 2010, so a lot has changed since then.

I am in a class about becoming a spiritual mentor, and we have a book to accompany the class. I went to Georgia to visit my family, and got to spend time with my awesome cousin who got some fancy degree in Computer Info Systems, and is killing it at 23 years old. I am so proud of him. He is a smart kid. 

But a part of me, the bitter and insecure person in me was feeling pretty down on myself that I had not been quite as lucky. When I left journalism, it was because I had a few jobs that stressed me way out and were not a good fit for me and did not give me time to build the career I wanted. I was burnt out. I was exhausted and drained. It also didn't help that I made garbage money. 

I just didn't want to do it anymore--and God brought me to a few different things to separate me from this feeling. He took me out of that environment and put me into different ones. I was self-employed as a real estate agent, and then I decided I needed a job so I decided to sell furniture. I surprisingly did really well at it and really enjoyed it. 

That was my niche for a long time. Then COVID hit and I feel like my career hasn't truly recovered yet. I lost what I thought was a stable job. I wasn't struggling anymore. I was in a safe emotional, physical and financial place--and all of it was ripped away from me and it turned my world upside down. I tried real estate again and it just didn't pan out and I had to try out yet another avenue. 

I couldn't do writing, even though I loved to write (and still do). Now it seems I can only do furniture sales, because that's what I have done for a lot of my adult life. It had me feeling pigeonholed. Selling furniture was the only thing I felt qualified to do. 

But here's where my revelation came in. That was a lie planted by the devil to make me feel stuck and alone and to have a pity party with an attendance of one. 

I read a verse in John 5:3-9 and I will share it with you in my spiritual mentoring book. I will admit, I am not a biblical scholar and I do not know all of the stories in  the Bible. This is the New Living Translation. 

Crowds of sick people—blind, lame, or paralyzed—lay on the porches.[One of the men lying there had been sick for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him and knew he had been ill for a long time, he asked him, “Would you like to get well?” 

“I can’t, sir,” the sick man said, “for I have no one to put me into the pool when the water bubbles up. Someone else always gets there ahead of me.” Jesus told him, “Stand up, pick up your mat, and walk!”Instantly, the man was healed! He rolled up his sleeping mat and began walking! 

The part of this scripture that stuck out to me was the man responding to Jesus telling him to walk himself to the pool, which was his response of "I can't, for I have no one to help me. Someone always gets ahead of me." 

And I will tell you--when my cousin asked me why I don't pursue my writing degree I basically said the same thing, "I can't." I was talking to my friend, who started talking me into some freelance work. I was just kind of venting my existential lament over my career. Again. 

Both my friend and my cousin asked me, why not? 

And you know what? I didn't have an answer. I had made excuses for my life as to why I hadn't gotten the jobs of my dreams or the jobs that I had hoped for and got the experiences I wanted and had hoped for. 

When I came upon this revelation, I went to take a moment to pray in private away from distractions. This is something I am working on, reminding myself to pray more often than I do. I pray a lot before bed, but I do not always stop to take a few moments dedicated to prayer while I am awake and thinking about it. 

I gave up on my dreams of writing. 

I had simply dismissed my writing skills and knowledge and said--my knowledge is old, outdated and not relevant. I am just not qualified enough to make it writing. I've always wanted to write, but I guess I would put it in a box and use it just as a hobby. 

But writing is an actual skill. My ability to write is not just useless knowledge, it is a skill that I have honed and continued to craft. I still use many editing tips and writing tips I learned in college--but that doesn't mean I can't learn what kinds of things are important and make myself an expert. Surprisingly, I really enjoy learning. 

I am a geek and love learning about how Internet marketing works. It isn't going away--and since 2012, I have been interested in it. 

I talked to another friend and we were brainstorming ways to grow her business, and we talked about all ways to build it. She thought what I had to say, was valuable and those kind words really helped me see myself as a capable young woman. 

I have done a lot of study in the last year about all kinds of disciplines such as copywriting, SEO marketing and user experience design. I am learning that all of those things I tried to do are all interrelated. 

I saw for the first time since school, that my skills actually matter--and not using them and settling for a dead-end job was a distraction, a ploy. Maybe you remember one of my other blogs about being stuck in a deep hole. That mindset was keeping me in the hole. I also have said before, I am the antihero in my own story. I am my own villain. 

I just discovered this first, and I think it is all the confirmation that I need--that I deserve better--but I have to be willing to do the work. 

Isaiah 54:2 “Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes.

It is time to not hold back. 

It is not time to hold back. 

See what I did there? Writing tip. 

I need to start believing that I deserve more and actually start working toward a plan of getting there. 

2 Corinthians 8:11-12 Now finish the work, so that your eager willingness to do it may be matched by your completion of it, according to your means. For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what one does not have.

I have had this inkling lately that I should be using my writing to serve the Lord. Perhaps in some writing ministry somewhere. 

I guess this blog is my ministry. But now that I am fully relying on Jesus and feel the peace, confidence, and hope I have with Him, perhaps things will turn out differently. I don't think--I know for Psalm 127:1 from the New Living Translation says Unless the LORD builds a house, the work of the builders is wasted. Unless the LORD protects a city, guarding it with sentries will do no good. 

The Lord is helping me to build my house and to dream bigger.