The Story of Redemption

Let me paint the picture for you.  I am in a cave. It's really dark in here. I'm sure there's light somewhere, but it isn't easy to see. Times of transition always feel this way for me.  The walls are smooth. I can't climb them,  I do not have the tools to get myself out of this.  I may be in this deep dark place in my life, but I am not alone.  I am here with my inner critic. Her name is Ethel. She is a disrespectful, mean, nasty lady from New Jersey that lives in my head.  She says things like "you are a failure," "you are a loser," "you will never accomplish anything," and "you are not enough."  I've been surrounded by her messages for a long time. She's been hanging around me for a while and filling my head with her critical attacks.  Ethel thrives on my self-doubt. She loves seeing me suffer. She really is an evil piece of shit--and she's called me this too.  During this time of transition, I start to get some...

I am a recovering perfectionist.  I have now admitted my problem.  Acknowledging the problem is the first step.  Perfectionism is a little demon who comes to watch me whenever I am creating something--and when I start designing, writing, or any kind of artistic endeavor, she is my audience. She heckles things like "you're not good enough," "you'll never be good enough," and "maybe you should stop trying."  She says "look at all these people, the artwork is perfect." Those put-downs have made me stop what I was doing and not publish anymore. My art sits locked up in the iCloud with poorly written poetry, goofed-up acoustic covers and half-finished blog posts. A lot of it has never been seen by another soul.  One of my friends is so brilliant and I'm glad God has placed her in my life. " She says to me, "you need to give yourself some grace. You are new to this new line of work. You aren't going to be amazing the first tim...

I like to think I am a decent writer. After I wrote my last blog post, I asked one of my writer friends to read it. She said I had inspired HER to deliver her own message through her own blog. That made me ecstatic. My blog had inspired someone to take action.  Then I read her first draft.   It was excellent. And then, I almost went down a path--one that says "she is a better writer than me."  I am insecure about my own writing because I went through some trial periods where people decided to call my work pedestrian, blunt and unprofessional. I now know those people's words should have not have had an effect on me--because guess who is still writing?  Maybe that insecurity is a writer/creative thing. I think it's called imposter syndrome. By even entertaining the "am I really good enough?" thought, I am opening up my mental home to a thief .  I have made the mistake of opening the door to let that little criminal come in and rob me blind of my determinatio...

 I have some great friends who have made some insightful observations about me in the past month.  I'm going to warn you, this is long.  I am blessed to have them in my life and absorb their insights. We got together a few days ago and I believe God is using them to get a message to me.   I believe God placed these women in my life for a reason.  Even if you are not a Christian, it just kind of seems the universe has a way of connecting us with people when we need them most. I told my friend AJ about how I used to write a blog, and she just bluntly asked me,  "Why haven't you been doing that [blogging]?"  I didn't have a good answer. I felt ashamed.  I hadn't been writing regularly since 2018. I had to ask myself the same question.  I have a little perfectionist meanie who lives in my head. I named her Ethel and she convinced me this writing part of my life was over.  I wasn't a writer anymore.   She says these things over...

Fear controlled my life for a long time. It is one of my biggest insecurities that I still deal with. Usually, it's when I am not spending time with God. In times of fear, I used to think the following things about myself. I am a failure. I am not good enough. I am worthless. I tried my best and it wasn't good enough. Nobody loves me unless I am successful. I will never stop struggling. Is this punishment for something I did? This is a dangerous game, God says. I used to believe these things about myself. I believed them deep down in my soul. It was because I didn't know what God said about me or to me in the Bible. Those vicious thoughts taunted me, abused me, lied to me, and manipulated me until I was so broken I couldn't hear the voice of God. I couldn't hear Him if all of the noise was drowning Him out.  Before I  finally heard from Him, I started seeking help in worldly ways. I did a lot to numb the emotional pain of not being good enough ...

Due to COVID-19, I was furloughed and then laid off from a job I loved. I was finally happy with that part of my life, my life and my career were just starting to stabilize. I guess if God can giveth, and He can taketh away! I got a call from my manager this week and my position was terminated . I wasn't the only one, but it didn't make me feel any better. I am angry at the people who got to keep their jobs and I feel a little bit betrayed. I have worked hard to build relationships with my clients and now I no longer have access to my hard work or the fruits of my labor.  I am less angry now. None of the 26 million people who lost their jobs deserved to have their lives uprooted like this. Nobody "deserves" to abruptly have their livelihood stripped away from them. Before I get side-tracked, I am incredibly blessed. I have a loving husband, world's cutest puppy, my husband is still working and getting paid, I am still getting paid, we can pay our mor...