The Story of Redemption

I am not a victim of credit card fraud or having my social security number hacked.  I am a victim of having my identity stripped away from me in so many situations after I have lost a lot of jobs. Some due to mismatch of expectations others through no fault of my own.  But each and every time, I have had an identity crisis. My brain starts to go into overdrive. I find losing a job to be rather traumatic. My sense of stability, identity and confidence is absolutely shattered and destroyed.  No more money. Not knowing what comes next and fear overcome my brain--not to mention I am usually quite angry and feel like a villain , like someone wronged me. I have been through less breakups with people and more with jobs. I have been a lot of different things for a lot of different industries. I feel like a lot of times, I am out of place and really unsure about where I should go next. That part makes the doubt and perfectionism demons come out and start telling me that I am a fr...

I started this blog with a time machine. I wanted to go back in time to tell my younger self not to major in journalism in college and to maybe focus on something that didn't even have a name yet. I was in college in 2010, so a lot has changed since then. I am in a class about becoming a spiritual mentor, and we have a book to accompany the class. I went to Georgia to visit my family, and got to spend time with my awesome cousin who got some fancy degree in Computer Info Systems, and is killing it at 23 years old. I am so proud of him. He is a smart kid.  But a part of me, the bitter and insecure person in me was feeling pretty down on myself that I had not been quite as lucky. When I left journalism, it was because I had a few jobs that stressed me way out and were not a good fit for me and did not give me time to build the career I wanted. I was burnt out. I was exhausted and drained. It also didn't help that I made garbage money.  I just didn't want to do it anymore--and...

I am so hard on myself.  If you haven't figured it out yet--I really hate myself. I don't think I deserve to be hated by other people, but for some reason--it's  normal  to me. The countless failures I've had, the discouraging remarks, the seemingly great career paths and things I've tried that have not worked out for me.  My self-esteem is shot. Job after job, I have been told that I am not good enough. When you get the same messages over and over again, it's really hard not to start believing them.  I didn't grow up with low self-esteem. Quite the opposite. My parents loved me and I never doubted for a second that they did. They believed I was somebody. I'm sure they still do.  So, why do I struggle so much with believing in myself?  I can feel myself happy for others, but secretly desire the same thing for myself. Let me clarify, I want to see other people do well, especially those I care about. I also want the security, safety, direction and payche...

Let me paint the picture for you.  I am in a cave. It's really dark in here. I'm sure there's light somewhere, but it isn't easy to see. Times of transition always feel this way for me.  The walls are smooth. I can't climb them,  I do not have the tools to get myself out of this.  I may be in this deep dark place in my life, but I am not alone.  I am here with my inner critic. Her name is Ethel. She is a disrespectful, mean, nasty lady from New Jersey that lives in my head.  She says things like "you are a failure," "you are a loser," "you will never accomplish anything," and "you are not enough."  I've been surrounded by her messages for a long time. She's been hanging around me for a while and filling my head with her critical attacks.  Ethel thrives on my self-doubt. She loves seeing me suffer. She really is an evil piece of shit--and she's called me this too.  During this time of transition, I start to get some...

I am a recovering perfectionist.  I have now admitted my problem.  Acknowledging the problem is the first step.  Perfectionism is a little demon who comes to watch me whenever I am creating something--and when I start designing, writing, or any kind of artistic endeavor, she is my audience. She heckles things like "you're not good enough," "you'll never be good enough," and "maybe you should stop trying."  She says "look at all these people, the artwork is perfect." Those put-downs have made me stop what I was doing and not publish anymore. My art sits locked up in the iCloud with poorly written poetry, goofed-up acoustic covers and half-finished blog posts. A lot of it has never been seen by another soul.  One of my friends is so brilliant and I'm glad God has placed her in my life. " She says to me, "you need to give yourself some grace. You are new to this new line of work. You aren't going to be amazing the first tim...

I like to think I am a decent writer. After I wrote my last blog post, I asked one of my writer friends to read it. She said I had inspired HER to deliver her own message through her own blog. That made me ecstatic. My blog had inspired someone to take action.  Then I read her first draft.   It was excellent. And then, I almost went down a path--one that says "she is a better writer than me."  I am insecure about my own writing because I went through some trial periods where people decided to call my work pedestrian, blunt and unprofessional. I now know those people's words should have not have had an effect on me--because guess who is still writing?  Maybe that insecurity is a writer/creative thing. I think it's called imposter syndrome. By even entertaining the "am I really good enough?" thought, I am opening up my mental home to a thief .  I have made the mistake of opening the door to let that little criminal come in and rob me blind of my determinatio...